


I prayed to you Cas, every night

by anyrei, Drunk_Idjit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Typical Violence, First Kiss, First Time, From friends to lovers, M/M, Purgatory, Slow Build, canon compliant until season 7 finale, prayers, spn-verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-11 04:05:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8953060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drunk_Idjit/pseuds/Drunk_Idjit
Summary: Dean prays to Castiel in Purgatory every night.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Drunk_Idjit and I wrote this ages ago. I finished the last chapter this month so I'm going to post it now. A huge thank you to [mugglerock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/pseuds/mugglerock) for beta-ing this!

 

 _Hey, Cas? You got your ears on? I don't know if you can still hear me in this shithole, but it’s worth a try. This place is crawling with every monster I’ve spent my whole life sending down here. It’s uh... not great. Wherever you are buddy, I hope you’re okay._  


**.... :::: :::: ....**

 

 _Cas? This place is non-stop, everywhere I turn there’s a new monster to deal with. Hope you’re keeping your head above water. I feel like I’m drowning here._  


**.... :::: :::: ....**

 

_Cas, man this sucks. I’m getting the hang of it though. Managed to make a weapon and I’m ganking these sons of bitches left and right. You still got your mojo, right? Maybe you should make a weapon, too, just in case. Keep safe, Cas._

**.... :::: :::: ....**  


_Castiel? If you still got your mojo you can hear me, right? I hope you can. You know how I feel about praying, man. Is any of this even coming through to you? I feel like I’m just talking to myself here. I mean, obviously I’m talking to myself, but still…. I’m kinda hoping you can still hear me. It’s lonely here. The only company I got really sucks, you know..._  


**.... :::: :::: ....**  


_Better have your ears on, Cas. I’m out looking for you so if you're getting any of this just sit tight, I’m coming._  


**.... :::: :::: ....**

 

Cas leaned against a dead tree, looking around hastily to see if he was being followed by the Leviathan that had been closing in on him since he had set foot in this realm. It killed him that he had to leave Dean behind, but he couldn't protect him here – not against Leviathan. The hunter was better off without him. He knew Dean wouldn’t have any trouble surviving this and finding a way out. He was a soldier, a fighter through and through, and he was inventive and full of surprises. If anyone could make it out of Purgatory, it was Dean. Cas was sure about that.

 

But it still hurt to leave him like that, especially when he had heard him desperately calling for him right after he had left. But he couldn’t go back. The Leviathan were close, they could feel him the same way he could feel them and he knew they wouldn’t stop hunting him down until he was dead. If he stayed by Dean’s side they would kill him, too. If Dean managed to stay away from him, they wouldn't take much interest in him. He was just a human after all. Cas was much more worthwhile prey.

 

Why hadn’t he seen this coming? If he had been faster maybe he could have pushed Dean out of harm’s reach when they killed Dick, maybe Dean wouldn’t be stuck here. But he had failed to protect Dean again.

 

Cas knew that he deserved to be here. For everything he had done – but Dean didn’t. He couldn’t help him find a way out. He could only hope that Dean would find a way out on his own.

 

He closed his eyes as he heard Dean’s first prayer. Dean’s warm voice was soothing and he tried not to be affected by it. He had to be on his toes, after all. As long as the Leviathan were looking for him, they wouldn’t be looking for Dean. It was the only thing he could do to protect Dean. He could stay alive as long as Dean was stuck here with him.

 

His head darted up as he felt darkness at the edge of his sight. He had to go. Cas ran through the dead forest trying to get away from this ancient evil, trying to get them to follow him deeper into the woods and further away from Dean.

Dean was asking him to keep safe just as Cas took another break from running, sitting behind a collection of large rocks and glancing up at the strange dark, greyish sky that seemed to swallow up all of the colors on the plane. He smiled at Dean’s words. Of course he had managed to get a weapon. He had always felt awe at Dean’s ability to adapt to everything life threw at him. He was the most remarkable human he had ever met in his existence. He would have done everything in his power to protect Dean for the rest of his life, but he had made mistakes that were beyond repair. And he didn't deserve to be Dean’s guardian anymore. How Dean was still praying to him, still wanting him at his side, “cursed or not,” was a miracle, a puzzle Cas couldn’t begin to understand. He knew Dean had started to forgive him. But Cas couldn’t forgive himself. It was just too much.

 

It would be getting dark soon and Cas knew that other creatures would be starting their cycle of the hunt soon. Creatures who weren't as cautious as most of the daylight hunters, who wouldn’t dare attack a seraph. Creatures with claws and teeth, who would hide in the dark and hunt in packs. They could be a danger to Cas if he wasn't careful. He wouldn't need a weapon, for his grace would protect him sufficiently, but he did need a place to hide. At least for a few hours in the pitch black darkness.

 

Cas heard Dean praying again. He was starting to feel conflicted about that. On one hand, he loved that he could still hear Dean, knowing that he was alive and well. Hearing his voice made him feel like he was by his side again. On the other hand, he hoped that the hunter would forget about him soon and just find his way home.

 

That hope vanished completely when he heard Dean's last prayer, shortly before the last murky rays of light vanished from the cold forest.

 

_Better have your ears on, Cas. I’m out looking for you so if you're getting any of this just sit tight, I’m coming._

 

Cas closed his eyes and growled in frustration. No, Dean. No. Just go.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Hey, Cas. Killed a bunch of vamps today. A few werewolves. Some… I don’t know somethings. Somehow, this is my worst nightmare and the purest thing I’ve ever felt. All I’ve ever been good at is fighting. It’s kind of fitting that it’s all I’ll be doing in the afterlife, right? I mean, Heaven… it’s boring. Been there, done that…. I guess. It’s not like I remember much. But hey, it beats sitting around by yourself for all eternity. At least here I can have some conversation before I slit some monster’s throat. Not that they’re the best at holding a decent discussion about anything, but it’s something.  _

 

_ I’m still looking for you. Haven’t gotten any leads yet, but I’ll get there. I don't know why you can't just pop over here, but I assume you've got your reasons. Maybe you’re looking for me, too. I hope you’re still…  _

 

_ No. I’m not giving up. You're a fighter, Cas. Like me. You’re gonna make it through this. We’re gonna make it through this. Together. You hear me? _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas made his way through the icy cold river. The water seemed pure and it was strange to find something like it in a place that only seemed to have one rule: Kill or be killed. It was simple. No place for beauty or wonders. He scooped some water into his hands and washed his face, rubbing his hands over the area where his beard was growing. He could have used his grace to stop it from growing, but he didn't feel like it. He didn't need to take care of his empty vessel anymore. This was his body now and he only needed it for transport. He didn't need to maintain a socially acceptable appearance. He just needed it to run. 

 

He looked around to get a feel for where his enemies were. It was odd, but the Leviathan seemed to avoid the river, which was strange since they seemed to be creatures that had a deep and ancient connection to water. Maybe they had another source of water in this realm in which they dwelled. On the other hand, he remembered how determined the Leviathan had been to come to Earth. One of the more obvious reasons was that they wished to leave Purgatory. Maybe his father created this river to punish them. To have water within their reach that they could never grasp, for some reason. 

 

It was all speculation at this point, but Cas thought he had found a way to successfully avoid the constant threat of the Leviathan that were chasing him. He would just follow the river as long as he could. 

 

The river gave him a break from the constant running, a moment of silence in a land of abominations that were waiting for him to set his foot back on the land.

 

That was the moment when he heard Dean’s voice again. He stilled as he heard Dean’s words.

 

_ Somehow this is my worst nightmare and the purest thing I’ve ever felt. All I’ve ever been good at is fighting. It’s kind of fitting that it’s all I’ll be doing in the afterlife, right?  _

 

It was like stab to his heart.  _ Dean… _

 

How could he even think that this was what he deserved as an afterlife?

 

_ I mean, Heaven… it’s boring. Been there, done that…. I guess. It’s not like I remember much. But hey, it beats sitting around by yourself for all eternity. At least here I can have some conversation before I slit some monster’s throat. Not that they’re the best at holding a decent discussion about anything, but it’s something.  _

 

Cas closed his eyes. Dean felt alone. That was what his prayer was about. Cas smiled sadly and wished he could tell Dean that he would have never been alone in Heaven. He would have always been at his side. 

 

If the circumstances were different and they weren't stuck here.

 

He felt something like tiny needles prickling at the extent of his grace. Leviathan…. He squinted his eyes before taking off down the river, the water splashing cold against his white hospital trousers, drenching them completely in freezing water.

 

After what felt like hours of running through the shallow water he stopped. He hadn’t felt anything dangerous for a long time now and he could use a break. He sat on some slick, edgy rocks to rest when he heard Dean's voice again. He sounded calm, but in between the lines Cas felt his hopelessness.

 

_ I’m still looking for you. Haven’t gotten any leads yet, but I’ll get there. I don't know why you can't just pop over here, but I assume you've got your reasons. Maybe you’re looking for me, too. I hope you’re still… _

 

Cas sighed heavily. Why did Dean have to be so stubborn? He could “pop in” anytime and Dean knew that! Why wasn’t he coming to the conclusion that he hadn't done it because he didn’t want to be found? Dean was brilliant when it came to solving cases and deducing the correct conclusion. Why was he trying to ignore logical reasoning? The evaluation of the facts didn’t allow any misinterpretations. He should have figured out by now that Cas had left him on purpose. Why was he still looking for him?

 

_ No. I’m not giving up. You're a fighter, Cas. Like me. You’re gonna make it through this. We’re gonna make it through this. Together. You hear me? _

  
What? No! No, no, no! Dean… This was the first time Castiel wished he could shove his answer right into Dean’s stubborn head. Why couldn’t he see that he didn’t want to make it through this? He just wanted Dean to go. To be safe. To be back on Earth, living his life, far away from him.


	3. Chapter 3

_ Angel radio? Hey, breaker breaker, this is Winchester… you copy? No? I know you’re out there, Cas. I’ve been chopping off a lot of heads over here, man. None of them had any information on you, but I’ll find one who will. I’ve actually been getting pretty popular around here. The human in Purgatory. Seems like I’ve got a bit of a reputation already. They uh… they know I’m looking for you so… I’m sorry if that brings anything your way. I’m… I’m so sorry. I didn't mean to put you in danger like that. I shouldn’t have pressured you to go after Dick. And now you're stuck here with me. But if there’s a way out of here I’m finding it, and I’m bringing you with me. Alright, good buddy? Winchester, over and out.  _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas squinted his eyes as he healed the long, deep gash on his leg from when the dokkaebi attacked him nearly an hour ago. It was still dark outside and he had only just noticed that he was bleeding profusely. He had been wondering about the increasing numbers of blood consuming predators that were closing in on his position. 

 

He let his fingers slide over the torn fabric of his trousers, using his grace to repair it. He looked around to see if any Leviathan noticed the spike of power that had radiated from him when he used his grace. 

 

He knew without even using his power that he was like a beacon of light in a pitch black night. They would find him sooner or later.

 

Cas waded through the water again so he wouldn’t leave tracks for other monsters to follow him. The fight with the dokkaebi had been unexpected. He hadn’t seen it coming and he wondered how many other creatures had the ability to hide themselves from him. 

 

Purgatory was old. Older than him and he respected what that meant. He wasn’t at the top of the food chain anymore and he had to be more careful. Especially at night.

 

The river had been getting broader the longer he went downstream, and it wasn't long before he had to leave the water to walk at the riverside. Sharp rocks and stones made it difficult to walk, but he was reluctant to leave the little bit of safety the river had given to him.

 

A crackling noise in the woods made him stop in his tracks. He tried to see where it was coming from by climbing on one of the rocks and peering carefully over the edge. His body went rigid with shock as he recognized the being that was standing in a clearing of the forest. A Behemoth – a monster that was as old as the Leviathan and which was in no way inferior to them in terms of being vile and dangerous. It had its massive head and enormous teeth sunken into another monster – a Leviathan, Cas noticed, feeling slightly amused by the irony of the other monster’s fate. Blood dripped from the Behemoth’s mouth as it chewed on the Leviathan’s body, making disgusting crunching sounds. Cas shuddered and slowly and quietly slid from his hideout and back into the water. 

 

He didn’t know if he was safe from the Behemoth, but he was sure he would be safer on the other side of the river. It took, what seemed like, forever to find a path across the water that wasn't too deep or treacherous, but he finally found it. And he found something else. A cave with an entrance from the water. This could be a good hideout for the night. 

 

He carefully looked inside the cave, making sure that there wasn't anything in the darkness that could be dangerous. He didn't feel anything, but he knew that didn’t particularly mean anything. 

 

He slowly took a few steps inside. The cold water that had reached his knees steadily lowered the deeper he advanced into the darkness. It was colder in here and the water that dripped from the cave ceiling was the only sound he could hear. It looked like he was completely alone. 

 

He sat down on one of the rocks at the back of the cave and watched the entrance. And then he waited. 

 

It was then that he heard Dean’s voice again. Dean was still looking for him. Cas closed his eyes for a moment to calm his frustration. He knew Dean was stubborn. He wouldn't let go of this stupid mission to find him so easily. But in time he would. He hoped at some point Dean would get tired of looking for him. 

 

Cas growled angrily when Dean told him that his efforts to find Cas were gaining him popularity. He had hoped that Dean would keep a low profile, understanding his place in this plane, that he wasn’t the only one here who knew how to kill. But of course he had to go around and throw himself into more danger… Cas sighed deeply. 

 

_ I’m sorry if that brings anything your way. I’m… I’m so sorry. I didn't mean to put you in danger like that. I shouldn’t have pressured you to go after Dick. And now you're stuck here with me.  _

 

Cas would have laughed at the irony if the whole situation hadn’t been so tragic. Dean was worried about him… The hunter was putting himself in even more danger to find Cas and was apologizing for possibly getting Cas into danger with his actions. Cas shook his head. Dean was unbelievable sometimes. It was a part of him that he loved very much, but at the same time it was driving him insane. Only Dean could make him feel this contradictory. 

 

_ But if there’s a way out of here I’m finding it, and I’m bringing you with me.  _

 

Cas gazed at the ceiling of the cave and slowly shook his head. 

  
“I just don’t want to be saved,” He whispered quietly. The echo of his words was his only answer.


	4. Chapter 4

_ I miss you. This isn't a formal prayer or anything… just… I figure I’m talking to myself anyway. And I feel absolutely ridiculous, but hey, who’s gonna judge me here? So yeah, I miss you. I miss having you around, even with you all cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. It’s not ideal, but it’s still you. Kind of. I still miss old you though. The ‘you’ before all of this crap. And I miss cheeseburgers. Oh my god, bacon cheeseburgers. And pizza. And pie, holy crap pie. And beer and whiskey. I miss sleep. Not that I got a lot of it before, but damn I miss sleep. I miss Baby. And Sam. And Bobby. All there is to do down here is think. Think and fight. I’m not even sure what’s worse, this or Hell. Sometimes I feel like it’s better to fight, so I won't have to think. It’s not like I’m going to run out of monsters to gank around here. I hope you’re taking care of yourself. Please, be okay.  _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

The cave had proven itself to be an excellent hiding spot so far. It was easy to defend and even the monster that Cas couldn't feel coming wouldn't surprise him here because he would hear them when they approached the cave from the water. 

 

He decided he would stay here as long as he didn’t feel any Leviathan. He knew he had to leave this place if they came any closer. But for now he could rest. He was tired of running. 

 

He wondered what Dean was doing, if he was okay… He hadn’t heard from him in a while and, although he dreaded it every time he heard Dean pray to him, for it meant that he was still looking for him, he also felt like he needed his words… even if it was for the sole purpose of keeping him focused, so he wouldn't lose sight of his goal to protect Dean as long as he was in Purgatory. If he couldn't hear him anymore, he knew he would just give up. He would let the Leviathan catch up with him.  

 

He missed Dean. He knew that. 

 

A few years ago he wouldn’t have known what missing someone meant. No one had been so important to Cas that he would have missed them. But he knew now that he couldn’t imagine his life without Dean in it anymore. 

 

The hunter, this infuriating human, had become the most important being in Cas’s existence. He owed him so much. Dean had shown him a new way  –  the right way to do something good, to have an impact in life, to change something for the better, to feel responsible... to have something worth fighting for. 

 

Dean was worth fighting for. 

 

And he would do everything to keep him safe. He wouldn’t allow his mistakes, his enemies to find Dean. He would keep away from Dean. He had to. And Cas knew that this was part of his penance, of his punishment.. 

 

Because it hurt to be away from Dean. He missed hearing his warm, deep voice. He missed his green eyes that always shone brighter when he laughed or when he was surprised. He even missed Dean’s references that Cas would never understand.

 

And suddenly Dean’s voice was loud and clear in his head.

 

_ I miss you.  _

 

Cas inhaled a sharp breath. His heart started to beat wildly until Dean’s voice soothed his mind like honey; velvety and sweetly enveloping his thoughts and heart, calming him down.

 

_ This isn't a formal prayer or anything… just… I figure I’m talking to myself anyway. And I feel absolutely ridiculous, but hey, who’s gonna judge me here? So yeah, I miss you. I miss having you around, even with you all cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. It’s not ideal, but it’s still you. Kind of. I still miss old you though. The ‘you’ before all of this crap. _

 

Cas’s throat closed up painfully and his vision blurred. He rubbed a hand over his face, surprised that his hands came away wet. Tears… He had never cried before… and he didn’t quite understand why he was now. Dean told him that he missed him. Shouldn’t that feel nice? Why did it hurt so much? Luckily Dean had chosen to switch the topic.

 

_ And I miss cheeseburgers. Oh my god, bacon cheeseburgers. And pizza. And pie, holy crap pie. And beer and whiskey. I miss sleep. Not that I got a lot of it before, but damn I miss sleep. I miss Baby. And Sam. And Bobby. All there is to do down here is think. Think and fight. I’m not even sure what’s worse, this or Hell. Sometimes I feel like it’s better to fight, so I won't have to think. It’s not like I’m going to run out of monsters to gank around here. I hope you’re taking care of yourself. Please, be okay. _

 

Cas didn’t know what to think. A million thoughts and emotions raced through his head and heart, most of them contradicting each other, leaving him confused and paralyzed. 

 

There was one thing Dean had said that he understood very well. He definitely had too much time to think and that wasn’t a good thing. He would have done anything to stop thinking  –  or even better  – to stop feeling. All of the guilt and shame he felt for letting Dean down and for what he did to Heaven. All of the deaths he had caused. He had nearly destroyed Earth when he had let the Leviathan back into the world. And he had destroyed Sam’s sanity by breaking his wall. He had hurt the most important person in Dean’s life. He couldn’t forgive himself for that. Not even after he healed Sam by taking on his problems, his insanity. 

 

Dean still thought that Cas wasn’t himself, but their trip to Purgatory had reset his state of mind. He didn’t know why or how, but he suspected it had something to do with this being the realm of punishment. Before Purgatory, he couldn’t really feel the guilt, he was paralyzed in a loop of contentment that his grace had chosen to flood him with to protect him from his insanity. He had been trapped by his own powers, unable to break free from the cage that Purgatory had finally torn down. He was glad that it happened, he couldn't have made the right decision if that hadn't happened. He probably would have stayed with Dean instead of leading the Leviathan away from him. 

 

But there was one thing that kept trying to float to the forefront of his mind. He tried to ignore it because the words hurt – as they were unexpected and surprising. 

 

_ I miss you.  _

 

Cas closed his eyes. He missed Dean, too. And now he would never get to ask him what Cocoa Puffs were. Because all of the references he never understood… would forever stay a mystery to him. He would never see Dean again.


	5. Chapter 5

_ Do you still believe in me, Cas? I’m starting to lose faith here and I really didn't have much to begin with. I want to find you. I want to see you again. And I’m trying, so help me I’m trying and I’m doing things I told myself I would never do again. I’m becoming someone I never thought I’d have to be again. I’m trying not to lose myself, and I can’t lose track of my goal: finding you. There’s no point in fighting if I don’t have you. I’m not failing you, Cas. And I’m not doing this without you.  _

 

_ I keep telling myself that. The truth is, I don’t know if I ever will find you. I don’t even know if you’re still alive. But I have to believe that you are. I have to believe I’m fighting for something.  _

 

_ Come on, Cas. I need  _ **_something_ ** _ from you. I need to know that you’re okay. You’re all I have left.  _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

It was his second day in the cave now and the Leviathan still hadn’t caught up with him. Maybe he was lucky and they had lost his trail. But he couldn’t count on that.

 

If he just stayed here maybe the world would forget about him. He could be silent and he could wait and hide out forever. As an angel he was used to waiting for an endless amount of time. He’d never gotten bored. 

 

He watched how the drops fell from the ceiling, how the faint rays of light broke the water into all of the colors of the rainbow before crashing into the hard, spiky stones. 

 

This was the first time he noticed radiant colors in Purgatory and somehow his eyes were automatically drawn to the vivid green every time a drop fell to the ground.

 

It was futile really... and frustrating. He tried to not think about Dean, but his thoughts seemed to have a mind of their own on that topic. They just couldn’t stay away. Cas tried to remember all of the times he was with the hunter, when they had made their first steps toward a friendship. 

 

He remembered how happy he had felt several years ago as he waited for Dean, for hours, on an empty street so that he could catch four hours of sleep. How happy Dean was to see him when he had rescued him from Zachariah. How his hand had felt on his shoulder when he told him to not ever change. 

 

He felt a great longing from Dean suddenly which always preceded his prayers nowadays.

 

_ Do you still believe in me, Cas? I’m starting to lose faith here and I really didn't have much to begin with. I want to find you. I want to see you again. _

 

Cas closed his eyes. “I want to see you, too.” 

 

Dean said that he was starting to lose faith so Cas hoped that meant he would give up on him soon. 

 

_ And I’m trying, so help me I’m trying and I’m doing things I told myself I would never do again. I’m becoming someone I never thought I’d have to be again. I’m trying not to lose myself, and I can’t lose track of my goal: finding you.  _

 

“No, Dean. What are you doing?” Cas whispered into the darkness of the cave. Dean’s words reminded him of the time when Uriel had forced Dean to torture Alastair. He knew that Dean didn’t want to do that ever again, how his soul had suffered in Hell when he had succumbed to the torment on the rack, weighing down the hunter with a heavy guilt, a guilt he had never managed to shake off. Cas would have done anything to spare him from that experience again and he felt wracked with his own guilt at the thought of Dean having to go through it again... just to find him.

 

_ There’s no point in fighting if I don’t have you. I’m not failing you, Cas. And I’m not doing this without you.  _

 

Cas rubbed his hand over his face, trying to shake the feeling Dean’s words unleashed in his heart. _There’s no point in fighting if I don’t have you._

 

What did Dean mean by that? Surely he couldn’t be that important to the hunter... Cas guessed that Dean was just lonely and that’s why he had said that. He knew that Sam was the only one that really mattered in the hunter’s life and he hoped Dean would understand soon that Cas didn’t want to be found. He hoped that Dean would give up his search for him and try to get out and back to his brother.

 

_ I keep telling myself that. The truth is, I don’t know if I ever will find you. I don’t even know if you’re still alive. But I have to believe that you are. I have to believe I’m fighting for something.  _

 

_ Come on, Cas. I need something from you. I need to know that you’re okay. You’re all I have left.  _

 

It broke Cas’s heart to hear Dean pleading for him to come back to his side. 

  
The light hit another drop of water, but this time the colors were dull.


	6. Chapter 6

_ I got good news for you buddy. There’s a way out of here. We’re getting out! Hold tight, we’re coming to get you! _

 

_....:::::::... _

 

_ Hey, Cas. It’s uh, been a long day. If you had your ears on earlier I guess you heard the good news?  _

 

_ Maybe I should start from the beginning. I was locked onto a vamp, chasing him down for some answers. Can you believe that? In a land where monsters rule, I’m still a hunter. And I thought I would be the one doing all the running away. Heh, I’m strangely proud. Hey, I’ll take what I can get here, okay?  _

 

_ Right about now is where you would probably say something about me being stubborn or hardheaded or something. Yeah, well, deal with it. Even in Purgatory I’m badassing it. _

 

_ So I catch up to this bloodsucker and take him down when he doesn’t tell me what I want to hear, but then another one blindsided me and I was almost toast until I got a helping hand. Another freakin’ vamp. At first I didn't know whether to thank him or kill him. I was sure he only took down his buddy so he could get the human kill to himself. But instead he proposed a deal. _

 

_ Alright I’ll admit, I don't trust the vampire… but Benny says he knows a way out of this freakshow. So I’m teaming up with him. We’re scooping you up and hightailing it out of here.  _

 

_ Now, the vamp’s not that excited about the plan, but I told him no angel, no deal. See, it’s a portal… human use only. He thinks he can bum a ride through me so for now we’re in this together. But only if we find you first. That’s the deal. As soon as we figure out where you are, we’re all going straight to that portal and not looking back, okay? We’re going home, Cas. We’re going home.  _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas found himself in a kind of catatonic state ever since Dean’s last prayer. He hadn’t moved an inch, as if he was trying to be as the stones around him. He envied them. They didn’t think, they didn’t feel. They just were. 

 

Cas’s thoughts strayed into strange territories. Like, if nobody witnessed him being eaten by a Leviathan, would he still exist if Dean thought he was alive? The truth had an odd dependence on perception and, for the first time, he understood what it felt like to be Schroedinger’s cat. In terms of physics it had never made sense to him, because as an angel he could always perceive waves, particles, and everything in between. He understood it now, though….

 

It becomes the truth if you look into the box.

 

This realization killed the last glint of hope he had that Dean would move on at some point and forget about him. As long as Dean hasn’t seen him die, he would believe that he was alive… and Dean was stubborn. 

 

He flinched as he suddenly heard Dean’s voice in his head. 

 

_ I got good news for you buddy. There’s a way out of here. We’re getting out! Hold tight, we’re coming to get you! _

 

What? That ripped him straight out of his stupor. He was suddenly afraid that Dean had a lead on where he was. The monsters may have avoided him here, but Dean would find him if he stayed put. He had to go. 

 

Cas slowly left the cave and squinted against the bright light. Not that it got particularly bright in Purgatory, but staying in darkness for three days had altered his perception. 

 

Truth was relative. 

 

Cas looked around and scanned the area for Leviathan. He couldn’t feel any, but he noticed a pack of werewolves a few miles in the east. They had noticed him too, but they had wisely chosen to return to their original path instead of intercepting him. 

 

Not for the first time, he felt the need to actively look for Dean’s soul. To pinpoint his location to see how far away he was. He knew if he wanted to avoid Dean it was the right thing to do. It was the logical and tactical course of action. 

 

But he couldn’t. He felt his wings twitch with just the thought of finding out where Dean was.  He knew he couldn’t hold himself back once he knew. So he chose not to look.

 

Dean could be near, but he could also be far away. In both truths he found comfort.

 

Cas waded through the cold water, following the stream southward, trying to not think about the hunter and the hope he had felt in Dean’s prayer. And his determination…

 

Later, as the light faded and smudged the edges of the trees and rocks into a dark grey synergy, Cas noted that it was time for him to start looking for a place to stay for the night. That was when he felt Dean’s longing once more, followed by his prayer. For a brief moment he closed his eyes and just enjoyed the hunter’s voice. He couldn’t suppress a smile as he listened to Dean being proud that he was still a hunter, that he was still “badassing” it. He had never doubted Dean’s survival skills. Dean was an exceptional human.

 

His smile vanished when he heard about the vampire that Dean had met. He trusted Dean to never let his guard down. He had been a hunter for such a long time, he doubted a single vampire could be a danger to Dean but still… he was worried.

 

_ Now, the vamp’s not that excited about the plan, but I told him no angel, no deal. See, it’s a portal… human use only. He thinks he can bum a ride through me so for now we’re in this together. But only if we find you first. That’s the deal. As soon as we figure out where you are, we’re all going straight to that portal and not looking back, okay? We’re going home, Cas. We’re going home.  _

 

Cas shook his head and rubbed his hands over his face in frustration. He had to think. If Dean found a way out of here, but couldn’t find Cas, maybe the vampire would get impatient at some point and convince Dean that it was futile to look for him. Maybe he could convince him to give up, that the angel was probably dead.

 

And again there was uncertainty. He could go to him and tell him that he should go without him. But he was weak. He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to leave a second time.

  
The only thing he was certain about was that he had to run. 


	7. Chapter 7

_ Cas, where are you? We’ve been at this all day. How has nobody spotted you yet? I just hope it’s that you’ve found a way to stay off the monster radar. There’s no room for doubt right now. I have to believe you're still out there.  _

 

_ I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you. Do you even know how important you are to me? Damnit, I don’t even care… I’ve got nothing to lose here. Cas, I need you. And I don’t know if your coconut is still cracked, but that doesn’t matter to me. I’m not going anywhere without you.  _

 

_ I know it’s hard to believe with everything that’s happened recently. But, I do still consider you family. You messed up, we all messed up. But you helped clean up your mess, you did a good job. And I’m proud of you. In case you’re wondering… yes, I forgive you. Of course I do.  _

 

_ I’m just tired of being hurt. I’m tired of having to second guess the people that I care about the most. We already have so much against us. We’re supposed to be in this together. Us against the world and all that crap. The world is literally coming to an end, like all the time. So what’s the point of holding a grudge?  _

 

_ So even if you’re still flying over the cuckoo’s nest, it’s okay. Like I said, I'd rather have you, cursed or not. Just please be okay. I don’t know if I can do this without you. _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas knelt behind some rocks at the riverside to take a break from running. He wasn’t tired, but it was difficult to assess his situation while being on the move. He had been forced to leave the river for a while to avoid the attention of two Behemoths, which had unfortunately brought the Leviathan back on his track. Now that he was back at the river he had lost them, but he was sure that they knew he was somewhere in the area and just waiting for the time he would have to leave the semblance of safety the river provided again, using that opportunity to try to catch him 

 

The river, he had learned, didn’t protect him from all creatures. But most of them, at least, weren’t interested in fighting him. He wasn’t sure about the Behemoths though. He knew he probably wouldn’t survive an encounter with them, so he tried to stay as far away from them as he could.

 

He decided his best strategy was to follow the stream and stick to it, as it was safer than stumbling through the thick and thorny forest not far from the riverbed. 

 

As the light began to fade away after hours of walking by the riverside, Cas had found a steep cliff that provided a defensible position for the night.

 

Cas hadn’t noticed his tension until he felt Dean starting to pray to him again. He sighed in relief, allowing himself to close his eyes for a few seconds to listen to Dean's soothing voice. 

 

He was glad to hear that Dean still had no lead on Cas. That was good to know. He hoped it wouldn’t take too long for the vampire to convince Dean that his search was futile.

 

_ I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you. Do you even know how important you are to me?  _

 

Cas felt his heart lurch painfully and rubbed his hand over his chest.

 

_ Damnit, I don’t even care… I’ve got nothing to lose here. Cas, I need you. _

 

He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the rock behind him. “Damnit, Dean… I need you, too…”

 

_ I know it’s hard to believe with everything that’s happened recently. But, I do still consider you family. You messed up, we all messed up. But you helped clean up your mess, you did a good job. And I’m proud of you. In case you’re wondering… yes, I forgive you. Of course I do.  _

 

Cas growled in frustration, all of the conflicting emotions in his heart felt like they were tearing him apart. Dean always had the ability to do this. He felt the painful urge to spread his wings and go to Dean, answering his prayer.

 

_ I’m just tired of being hurt. I’m tired of having to second guess the people that I care about the most. We already have so much against us. We’re supposed to be in this together. Us against the world and all that crap. The world is literally coming to an end, like all the time. So what’s the point of holding a grudge?  _

 

He was relieved that Dean forgave him, but it didn’t mean that Cas could forgive himself. Dean was tired of being hurt. He deserved to have a life where no one would hurt him anymore. And he knew if he was selfish and returned to Dean, he would just hurt him again. Cas had his own problems, deadly problems... and he surely wouldn’t bring those into Dean’s life again. 

 

Dean deserved to get out and be free.

 

_ So even if you’re still flying over the cuckoo’s nest, it’s okay. Like I said, I'd rather have you, cursed or not. Just please be okay. I don’t know if I can do this without you. _

 

“You have to, Dean. It will be okay,” Cas whispered as the last ray of light disappeared and enveloped him in darkness.


	8. Chapter 8

_ Hey, buddy. It’s been a long day. They’ve all been long. I actually have no idea how long I’ve been down here. The days kind of just blend into each other to make one long ass nightmare. I hope you’re doing better than I am. _

 

_ I got some news today. Something that might help me find you. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I’m still not giving up on you, no matter what Benny says.  _

 

_ That’s the uh.. vampire I’m traveling with. Mighty helpful when it comes to battle. I’ve even managed to catch up on some rest with him around. Not a lot of it, I’m still exhausted. But it’s something.  _

 

_ He doesn’t think I should look for you. He doesn’t even think you made it. I told him to shut his mouth before I shut it for him. You’re Cas. Of course you’re making it. He just doesn’t know you. He hasn’t seen the things you can do. And I’m not just talking about power. You changed me, Cas. You made me believe in… I don’t know… myself? You were willing to give up everything for me… for us. Sure you went about it the wrong way sometimes, but you were always willing to sacrifice yourself. I’m just begging you, Cas. Please be okay. For me? One more time just please, let me believe in miracles. That’s all I want.  _

 

_ You told me you would find a way to redeem yourself. This is what I’m asking you. Do you hear me?  _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas winced in pain as he got up from the ground and looked at the burned remains of three Nachtmahrs lying around him. They had attacked him out of nowhere and had bitten him on his arms and legs with their needle-sharp teeth relentlessly before he could shake them off and smite them. The wounds still burned as he walked to the water and washed the blood away, remembering that these creature also poisoned their victims. He sighed in defeat and healed his wounds, knowing that he had to run after this. Every time he used his powers he drew unwelcome attention to himself.

 

He walked through the shallow water of the river for hours, noticing that the landscape was changing slowly around him. There were fewer rocks and the river got shallow. The forest was brighter here and less thick, which gave him a nice strategic advantage. He would now notice Leviathan from miles away. 

 

The only problem was that he had nearly nowhere to hide. He would be easily spotted walking in the middle of the river. So he started to walk at the riverside, hoping he could find another place like the cave he had found before to stay for the night. 

 

When the light started to fade he contemplated returning to that place. He had been a fool to leave the cave just because he was afraid Dean would find him there. There had been no evidence that the hunter was near and it had been an overreaction. Cas sat down on a rock to rest and to try to come up with a good strategy for the next coming days, when he heard Dean’s voice. 

 

He closed his eyes, enjoying Dean’s words as they never failed to soothe his mind. These prayers from Dean were precious to him. Cas would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that he was pretending everything was good between them, that he wasn’t using Dean’s words to flee his reality and imagining a place where he could always stay at the hunter’s side. 

 

He froze when he heard that Dean had found information on how he could find him. But even if he got some hints from monsters who had seen him, he was on the run, never staying in one place, so it was unlikely that Dean would find him. And like he had rightly assumed – the vampire had already started to persuade Dean to give up his search. Cas would just have to keep on hiding and eventually... in time… Dean would give up on him.

 

Although the thought of Dean’s vampire company alone triggered an unpleasant feeling in Cas’s chest, he was glad that Dean had the opportunity to rest in this never ending fight. He wished he could be the one watching over Dean. But he knew that these wishes were pointless. He would just bring more deadly threats to the hunter if he were to stay with him and that would defeat the purpose of watching over him.

 

Cas took in a deep breath as he heard Dean’s last words.

 

_ I’m just begging you, Cas. Please be okay. For me? One more time just please, let me believe in miracles. That’s all I want.  _

 

_ You told me you would find a way to redeem yourself. This is what I’m asking you. Do you hear me?  _

  
“I hear you, Dean,” Cas whispered, wishing not for the first time that Dean could hear his answer. “I just want to keep you safe.”


	9. Chapter 9

_ Hey, Cas. You know, I was thinking... Something I’ve had to do a lot of down here, even with all the fighting, I still manage to find time to think. Crazy, huh? Anyway, so I’ve been thinking…. about the first time we met. You blasted into that barnhouse, I had no idea what you were. I was terrified. And I was angry. You told me you were the one who rescued me from Hell. That good things did happen. I’m hoping to return the favor, getting you out of here.  _

 

_ See Cas, you convinced me. No matter how terrible our lives get, no matter how dark times are… good things can still happen. I didn't believe it then but I… I have faith now. I’m going to find you. I’m going to get us out of here. Let me save you for once.  _

 

_ I really don’t get you sometimes. You give everything to save us, but when do you ever let someone help you? This… relationship… or whatever, you can’t just keep giving and giving until there’s nothing left. You gotta let me in, Cas.  _

 

_ I don’t want to bring this up but… when you hid things from me, when you worked with Crowley behind our backs. The thing that hurt the most was that you didn’t come to me. That you didn’t trust me to help you. You always think you know what’s best, I get it, but just… keep believing in me, okay? I’m going to save you… I don’t care what it takes.  _

 

_ Benny keeps trying to leave you behind. Heh, he doesn’t understand. What you mean to me…. how I feel about you. Hell, I’m not exactly the best at showing it. I know I haven’t exactly been straight with you… I mean, wow… I’m pretty sure I’m talking to myself and I still can't freakin’ say it.  _

 

_ I need to see you. I need to know you’re alive. Please… if by some miracle you can still hear me… I’m praying to you, Cas. Please, let me know you’re okay. Please let me know that you need me as much as I need you, cause at this point I’m not even sure and it’s killing me.  _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas knelt at the small waterfalls, washing his face as he looked around to check his immediate area. He had been on the run for hours now. Feeling Leviathan closer than normal, but not close enough that he couldn’t get away with a few beats of his wings. 

 

He didn’t like to fly in Purgatory and only resorted to it if he couldn’t escape on foot. He knew if the Leviathan came too close they would start to suppress his abilities and it was hard to time the point where he could fly away to escape or had to run away on foot. 

 

Flying was difficult because the Leviathan were hard to pinpoint. He didn’t want to land in the middle of them, so running was the best option for him to stay away. It was exhausting, but maybe Dean would be gone soon and then it wouldn’t matter anymore.

 

It was then that he heard Dean’s voice in his head. He missed him and sometimes he felt like he divided his day into before Dean prayed to him and after…

 

He couldn’t suppress his smile when he heard Dean talking about the day they had met for the first time.

 

_ See Cas, you convinced me. No matter how terrible our lives get, no matter how dark times are… good things can still happen. I didn't believe it then but I… I have faith now. I’m going to find you. I’m going to get us out of here. Let me save you for once.  _

 

He could practically see Dean standing in front of him saying those words, the hopeful and determined way his green eyes would shine, the spark of desperation that underlined his otherwise steady voice. 

 

_ I really don’t get you sometimes. You give everything to save us, but when do you ever let someone help you? This… relationship… or whatever, you can’t just keep giving and giving until there’s nothing left. You gotta let me in, Cas.  _

 

Cas closed his eyes. Dean always treated him like he was human, like he was equal, like the same rules that applied to him would also apply to Cas. He never understood that it wasn’t in Cas’s nature to want things for himself. But then Dean had taught him to think for himself, to have free will. 

 

Cas furrowed his brow. This hadn’t turned out very well. He had failed at being an angel and he had failed Dean. In every possible way.

 

_ I don’t want to bring this up but… when you hid things from me, when you worked with Crowley behind our backs. The thing that hurt the most was that you didn’t come to me. That you didn’t trust me to help you. You always think you know what’s best, I get it, but just… keep believing in me, okay? I’m going to save you… I don’t care what it takes.  _

 

Cas felt his eyes starting to burn as he listened to Dean’s words. Why was Dean still trying to save him, after all the hurt he had caused him? Why would he think Cas didn’t believe in him? Cas believed in Dean. He just didn’t believe in himself.

 

_ I need to see you. I need to know you’re alive. Please… if by some miracle you can still hear me… I’m praying to you, Cas. Please, let me know you’re okay. Please let me know that you need me as much as I need you, cause at this point I’m not even sure and it’s killing me.  _

 

The tears were falling from his eyes steadily now and Cas couldn’t prevent it. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. He spread his wings, feeling their pull as they tried to get him up into the sky before he let them crash into the water around him. Drowning them in the river, just like he felt he was drowning in the pain that radiated from his heart. 

  
“I need you… I need you, Dean.”


	10. Chapter 10

_ Psssttt… Cas, you got your ears on?  _

 

_ I think I’ve taken a lot of things for granted, specifically you. I guess I always thought you would just be around and even when I was being a dick to you…. I dunno, I thought there would be time to smoothe all that out.  _

 

_ I’ve never been good with all that emotional stuff, you know… chick flick moments. I feel like I’ve had more of them with you than I have with any chick I’ve ever been with. Hilarious, right? That doesn't mean I’ve gotten any better at them though. What I’m trying to say is…. _

 

_ ….sorry, we had to relocate. We’re kinda moving through a different part of Purgatory and the monsters here are a little different than the ones we were used to. Benny’s getting kinda jumpy and I can understand. Some of these things are scary as hell.  _

 

_ What was I saying? Oh, right…. _

 

_ Hey, do you remember that time… right before we shut down the apocalypse. I gave you that ‘last night on Earth’ speech and I uh…. told you there was no way you were dying a virgin? I know things went kinda sideways, but we had fun that night. Even with the end of the world looming right above us, we managed to have one of the funnest nights I remember having in years. _

 

_ I have to admit something, and I know it’s going to sound a little weird. When we got kicked out of that brothel, I was kinda happy that you didn’t go through with it. I didn’t really know why then, I just thought it was funny. But I figured it out later. Much later. Actually, I’m still figuring it out. Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m kind of an idiot.  _

 

_ Cas, if I never see you again…. I just have to tell you… Even with you all fruit loops, even with all of your mistakes, even though you're not even human, though you're more human than most of the people I know… sorry I’m getting sidetracked here… Look, you may be weird, and kind of a dork, and sometimes you're a huge pain in my ass… but I need you. I know I’ve been saying this for a while now, but I just don't know how else to say it. I told you once that you’re family to me, like a brother... . but it’s more than that Cas… It’s just more.  _

 

_ And if I do see you again… and man, I really hope I do… things are gonna be different, okay?  _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

He tried to calm his racing heart as he cowered behind some rocks, closing his eyes to concentrate on his surroundings. He had lost the Leviathan – good...

 

The last few hours had been a close call since he had to leave the stream again to avoid a pack of imps. As soon as he moved away from the water, the Leviathan found him again and hunted him through the woods. He lost them as soon as he made his way back to the stream, which only strengthened his theory that the Leviathan, indeed, avoided the water here. 

 

The best strategy was to follow the stream up again and go back to the cave. That had been the most secure place for him so far and it was easily defendable. 

 

He was beginning to sense Dean’s longing for him as he sat behind the rocks, feeling the hunter reach out for him in a prayer. He closed his eyes, feeling the tension leave his body as he listened to Dean’s voice. He knew Dean was trying to tell him something. Cas could feel the determination and intent the hunter conveyed in his prayers, although his words spoke of insecurity…. as if he didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say. 

 

Suddenly, Dean’s prayer came to an abrupt stop and Cas’s eyes snapped open as he looked around. What had happened? He couldn’t feel Dean anymore and he hoped that he wasn’t in immediate danger. 

 

Cas let out a whimper as his wings twitched involuntarily, his body ready to fly to the hunter and help him, but he forced himself to stay. He took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled again. Dean was a capable hunter. He could deal with every danger here. Cas knew that. He didn’t need Cas. If he went to him he would only make it worse.

 

Cas slowly stood up and walked through the river for a while. The cold water helped him keep his mind in the present and weighing him down, keeping him grounded and distracted from his thoughts of Dean. He couldn’t suppress the relieved gasp that escaped his lips when he once again felt the hunter. 

 

_ ….sorry, we had to relocate. We’re kinda moving through a different part of Purgatory and the monsters here are a little different than the ones we were used to. Benny’s getting kinda jumpy and I can understand. Some of these things are scary as hell.  _

 

Cas felt an icy grip tighten on his heart as he heard Dean’s words. He feared that Dean would run across the more dangerous inhabitants of this plane. Not even Cas was strong enough to survive a fight with them. Dean’s chances would be even lower. Why wasn’t the vampire dragging him away from the dangerous territory?

 

_ What was I saying? Oh, right…. _

 

_ Hey, do you remember that time… right before we shut down the apocalypse. I gave you that ‘last night on earth’ speech and I uh…. told you there was no way you were dying a virgin? I know things went kinda sideways, but we had fun that night. Even with the end of the world looming right above us we managed to have one of the funnest nights I remember having in years. _

 

Cas felt himself smile at Dean’s words. He would never forget that night. Dean had been there for him, had helped him and tried to teach him to “live a little”. He didn’t have fond memories of the brothel though, but he remembered Dean’s laugh and his happiness as they walked out of the place. He remembered how good it had made him feel. 

 

_ I have to admit something, and I know it’s going to sound a little weird. When we got kicked out of that brothel, I was kinda happy that you didn’t go through with it. I didn’t really know why then, I just thought it was funny. But I figured it out later. Much later. Actually, I’m still figuring it out. Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m kind of an idiot.  _

 

Cas became more confused as Dean went on. He wondered where Dean was heading with his prayer as it didn’t make much sense to him at the moment. 

 

_ Cas, if I never see you again…. I just have to tell you… Even with you all fruit loops, even with all of your mistakes, even though you're not even human, though you're more human than most of the people I know… sorry I’m getting sidetracked here… Look, you may be weird, and kind of a dork, and sometimes you're a huge pain in my ass… but I need you. I know I’ve been saying this for a while now, but I just don't know how else to say it. I told you once that you’re family to me, like a brother... . but it’s more than that Cas… It’s just more.  _

 

_ And if I do see you again… and man, I really hope I do… things are gonna be different, okay? _

 

Cas closed his eyes, trying to make sense of Dean’s prayer and of his own feelings. His heart was beating hard against his chest once more, but this time it was not from the constant running. It was from Dean’s words. Could he possibly mean that his feelings for Cas were like… Cas’s own feelings for Dean? That they felt the same about each other? Cas shook his head. No, he was just hearing what he wanted to hear... although… on the other hand, it wasn’t something he wanted to hear. Not now. Because he… No… He didn’t deserve that. He couldn’t allow himself to think in that direction. It was hard enough to stay away from Dean as it is, but now –  with the glimpse of hope that they could be closer than before, that Dean would let him into his life… How would he find the strength to stay away from him?

 

Cas sat at the riverside, washing his face in the cold water. He was exhausted from running. He had the feeling it was all he did these days. He had lost the Leviathan for now, but he wasn’t sure how long his head start would last. He could sense a vampire nearby, but they usually wouldn’t dare attack him, especially if they were alone. 

 

“Cas!”

 

Cas was used to hearing Dean’s voice in his head, but something wasn’t right. His voice wasn’t in his head, it had taken a detour through his ears. He looked around, confused, trying to find the source. “Dean.”

 

He turned around and there he was. Dean. Walking down the small hill out of the forest towards him. Cas felt like running, but he was paralyzed. The shock of seeing Dean again had overwhelmed him. 

 

“Cas…” Dean laughed and pulled him into his arms. Cas was still paralyzed, his thoughts and emotions washing over him in an endless stream of chaos. Dean leaned back and stroked his cheek while Cas tried to look anywhere but at Dean. 

 

“Damn, it's good to see you. Nice peach fuzz.”

 

“Thank you.” Cas replied automatically, before reaching out with his senses to check the area. Dean was here. He wasn’t safe. If the Leviathan found him now Dean would be in danger. 

 

Dean took a few steps back and pointed at the vampire standing a small distance away from them, scrutinizing Castiel with a careful and suspicious look. “Want you to meet somebody. This is Benny. Benny this is Cas.”

 

“Hola.”

 

Cas ignored the vampire, he felt his panic rising with every second Dean was close to him, “How did you find me?”

 

Dean was still smiling and Cas could see the relief in the hunter’s eyes now that he had finally found him. Cas wished he could share that sentiment. “The bloody way. You feeling okay?” 

 

He knew Dean was referring to his mental state, that he wanted to be sure that Cas was in his right mind, maybe to justify why Cas had left him... “I’m okay again, Dean. But you shouldn't have come.”

 

Dean gave him a confused look, “What? Why?” 

 

The vampire glared at Cas, ”Why'd you bail on Dean?”

 

“Dude–” Dean interrupted Benny. Cas could see that Dean didn’t want to know why Cas had really left him. 

 

The vampire wasn’t that considerate about Dean’s feelings, “The way I hear it, you two hit monster land, and hot wings here took off. I figure he owes you some backstory.”

 

The hunter glared at him, attempting to defend Cas’s behavior. And it broke Cas’s heart again to see how much loyalty Dean showed him and how he still hadn’t done anything to earn his trust. “Look, we were surrounded, okay? Some freak jumped Cas. Obviously, he kicked its ass, right?” 

 

“No.”

 

He saw the hurt flash across Dean’s face and he knew that he had been the cause of it. Once again he had hurt the only human that mattered to him. The only one he loved. 

 

“What?”

 

“I ran away.” Cas had considered lying to Dean about his motives. Maybe then Dean would just go away and leave him alone. But he knew the hunter probably wouldn’t accept it if the lie wasn't convincing enough. He was angry at himself for not having thought of a good excuse before. He was overwhelmed by Dean’s presence and that made it hard to think. 

 

“You ran away?”

 

“I had to.” Maybe if he kept being evasive about his reasoning, Dean would be so angry that he would decide Cas wasn’t worth it.

 

“That's your excuse for leaving me with those gorilla-wolves?”

 

“Dean–” He hated the look of betrayal he saw in Dean’s eyes.

 

“You bailed out and, what? Went camping? I prayed to you, Cas... every night.”

 

“I know.” Cas couldn’t look at Dean. The accusation, the disappointment, the hurt… it was all too much.

 

“You know and you didn't... What the hell's wrong with you?”

 

“I am an angel in a land of abominations. There have been things hunting me from the moment we arrived.”

 

“Join the club!” Dean yelled at him and Cas couldn’t stop his next words. 

 

He couldn’t hold them in any longer. Dean had to understand, “These are not just monsters, Dean. They're Leviathan. I have a price on my head, and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to – to keep them away from you... That's why I ran.” 

 

He could see the anger vanishing from Dean’s face as he suddenly understood why Cas kept his distance from him, why he didn’t return to Dean even though he had asked him to, so many times.

 

Cas turned away from him, focusing his attention on the river, “Just leave me, please.”

 

The vampire growled, “Sounds like a plan. Let's roll.”

 

“Hold on, hold on. Cas, we're getting out of here. We're going home.” Cas still couldn’t look at Dean, he didn’t need to, he could hear Dean’s desperation in his voice, trying to persuade him like he was a scared animal that could run away at any moment.

 

“Dean, I can't.” He couldn’t tell him why. Dean would never accept his reasoning.

 

“You can. Benny, tell him.”

 

“Purgatory has an escape hatch, but I got no idea if it's angel-friendly.”

 

Cas wasn’t interested in the plan. He didn’t want to leave Purgatory. But Dean didn’t know that. He still thought Cas just didn’t believe he  _ could  _ escape this plane. 

 

“We'll figure it out. Cas, buddy, I need you.”

 

Those words still caused his heart to throb painfully, “Dean…” Why couldn’t he see reason?

 

“And if Leviathan want to take a shot at us, let ‘em. We ganked those bitches once before. We can do it again.” Dean smiled at him, looking hopeful and determined. Cas suddenly understood that there was nothing he could say that would persuade Dean to leave him behind.

 

“It's too dangerous,” He said weakly in a last attempt at convincing Dean to move on.

 

“Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you. Understand?”

 

Cas did understand. He had to play along to get Dean out of Purgatory. There was no other way, “I understand.”

 

….:::: ::::....

 

They followed the vampire… Benny… for a while and Cas had tried to walk a few feet behind them. It wouldn’t make much of a difference once the Leviathan had caught up with him. He knew how dangerous it was to cross Purgatory with him, but although he had tried to argue with Dean about how stupid this was, the hunter had only gotten angry with him and told him to shut up about it, that he wouldn’t change his mind. 

 

Dean was infuriating and stubborn. Cas knew he was sulking quietly in the background without needing Benny to point it out, but he tried not to exchange too many words with the vampire. He knew he was just trying to provoke him. Cas didn't trust him; and maybe there was a part of him that was also angry watching how Dean walked side by side with the vampire, never once looking back at Cas. As if he was sure that Cas wouldn’t go anywhere. Cas thought about leaving again. But what would be the point? Dean just would search for him again and would never get out of here. Stubborn, infuriating, human. 

 

Benny caught sight of a group of vampires huddled together a few hundred feet away from them and turned to Dean, “Now, I’m gonna need you two lovebirds to stay here a moment. I got to have a little talk with some friends and I don’t think they’d be mighty welcomin’ to you two.” He inclined his head at Cas, “Especially our feathery little friend over there.”

 

Cas narrowed his eyes at the vampire, not trusting him one bit. 

 

Dean nodded confidently, “Do what you gotta do.”

 

Cas swore he saw condescension in Benny’s eyes as he glanced at Cas with a smirk and then turned to walk away quietly.  

 

“You don’t trust him, do you?” Dean asked. His face looked hardened and he wondered just how much Dean had to toughen up to survive here. 

 

“Of course not. He’s a vampire. But I think he believes that this portal is his way out of here.”

 

“Yeah, I really hope so. He’s still a bloodsucker, I haven’t let my guard down around him. But he wants to get out of here as much as we do. And he grows on you.” He smiled and it looked out of place on his face. 

 

Cas felt tense as he scanned the area for Leviathan. He couldn’t sense them in the area, but he felt a lot of other threats in their vicinity. Probably the combination of Dean’s soul and his grace that drew them in. “If you say so... We have to be on guard.” He squinted his eyes. “There are a lot of monsters around us and we shouldn’t stay here too long.”

 

“We’ll move as soon as Benny gets back, don’t worry.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but then decided not to. After staring at the ground for a brief moment he spoke up again, “Hey, Cas?”

 

“Yes, Dean?” Cas closed his eyes briefly, wishing his voice hadn’t sounded so weak and insecure, portraying everything that he was feeling at the moment. He tried to guard himself against his emotions, but Dean always got to him. Every word he said hit him painfully and Cas was afraid… Afraid that Dean could persuade him, could tempt him to follow him and stay at his side. 

 

“You really heard me? All my prayers?” He did a good job of masking it, but Cas knew Dean well enough. He was hurt. He mentally chastised himself for having revealed that bit of information to Dean. 

 

“I always hear you.” He stared at the dead leaves that surrounded him and wondered what he should tell Dean. He wanted Dean to understand that he had no choice, that he couldn’t come back to him and that this was still a stupid idea. Even though he knew Dean wasn’t interested in logic and reason. “I… You have to understand… It was difficult. I…” He scrubbed his hand over his face in frustration, “I wanted to come to you… I wanted it so much that it hurt… but I just couldn’t. I still believe this is a mistake, Dean. I can’t protect you from the Leviathan. I don’t want to get you in more danger than I already have. This is all my fault.”

 

“You don’t have to protect me, Cas. I’m a grown man. I can take care of myself.” His features softened and he sighed, “Look, what I mean is… we’re in this together, okay? We can watch out for each other. And we’ll be out of here soon. Like I said we would. Don’t you trust me?”

 

Cas looked up at him, “This has nothing to do with trust, Dean. This is my responsibility. I brought the Leviathan into the world. It’s my fault that you are stuck here. You shouldn’t pay the price for my mistakes. And by staying at my side you only make it worse for you. You can go to the portal without being hunted by Leviathan. I can drag them away from you and you can go. Why don’t you just go?” 

 

Dean looked taken aback, eyes widening as he struggled to form a response. In a small voice he responded, “You know, when I prayed to you… I wasn’t even sure you could still hear me. I hoped…. because I thought it meant you would come and find me. Or at least give you some hope that I was out looking for you. But uh… now that I know you actually heard me… it’s a little embarrassing…” 

 

Cas tilted his head, wondering what Dean was referring to that could be embarrassing. He knew that Dean had problems with these so called “chick-flick” moments when he was forced to talk about his feelings, but Dean never showed that towards Cas. Cas was used to Dean telling him what he was thinking about, he prayed to him more often than he was probably aware. Dean’s last prayer, the one Cas had tried to avoid thinking about, came to his mind. He remembered how much trouble Dean had with telling him these words, even in a prayer. Cas still didn’t know if he had really understood Dean’s words or if he was just projecting his own feelings into them. His voice was quiet, “There is nothing you have said that you should feel embarrassed for. I… I’m just sad I couldn’t answer them at the time.”

 

Dean’s mouth crooked into a shy smile and he shuffled his feet nervously, “S’okay. Umm… so you know how I said things would be different if I saw you again?” 

 

Cas stared at him curiously before nodding, indicating that he should continue.

 

“Well, I meant it.” Dean looked up at him and stepped forward. In his head he thought of the countless times Dean had warned him about ‘personal space.’ He felt a soft caress on his hand and he looked down in surprise to see Dean’s hand intertwining with his. He looked up again, Dean was close enough that he could almost make out the individual freckles under all the dirt. 

 

“Dean, what are you–” Cas asked slowly, his eyes fixed on the hunter’s green ones.

 

Dean licked his lips and Cas felt his heart skip a beat. “I’m not leaving here without doing this.” Dean reached out and gently placed his hand behind Cas’s head, guiding him closer until he felt Dean’s lips on his. At first, Cas didn’t know how to react, but when he felt Dean moving his lips he couldn’t help but kiss him back.

 

Dean deepened the kiss, his tongue exploring further into Cas’s mouth as he leaned his body closer into him, trying to get as close as possible.

 

Dean pulled back slightly, resting his forehead against Cas’s as they both struggled to regain their breath. Dean chuckled “I think I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. A really long time. Just never pictured  _ this _ when I imagined it,” He brought his hand back up to caress Cas’s cheek. 

 

“Oh, you mean my beard?” His hand went up to rub at his chin self consciously. “I didn’t think I would see you again. I’m sorry, it’s probably not very attractive.” 

 

“Nah, it looks good on you. I like the clean cut Cas look, but still… you look good. Feel good. Taste good.” He leaned forward again and captured Cas’s lips in a gentle kiss. 

 

He pulled back, startled, as he heard the crunch of large footsteps making their way towards them. Dean whirled away from him as Benny quickly approached and the sudden separation made him feel… cold and empty.

 

“Well, according to my friends over there, it looks like we’re headed in the right direction. Just gotta stick to this path until we’re out of the woods, so to speak.” 

 

Cas looked over Benny’s shoulder at the pile of bloody bodies in the distance. He raised his eyebrow at the vampire. 

 

Benny raised his eyebrow at Cas, in a challenge. “You ladies ready to get outta here or you need an invitation?” 

 

With a glare, Dean shoved past Benny, bumping his shoulder into him as he stalked off. Benny turned to Cas with a confused look. “What? Did I interrupt somethin’?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI, the change in the canon dialogue is on purpose.


	11. Chapter 11

“I’m so glad I found you,” He breathed into Cas’s ear, a giddy feeling passing through him as he swung his arm around and cleanly decapitated the vampire that had been running towards them from behind. Their journey towards the portal was steady but slow, as they were attacked much more frequently than before. He wouldn’t have it any other way though. With Cas by his side, he didn’t care how many of these sons of bitches he had to take down, it was worth it. 

 

Benny had a pair of werewolves on his ass and Dean took the opportunity to give Cas a quick peck on the lips before jumping in and taking out the bigger, uglier one of the two. 

 

“Thanks, brother.” Benny drawled, brushing the dirt off of his clothes. He bent to retrieve his weapon from the corpse and Dean took the opportunity to turn around and wink at Cas before turning back around. 

 

“Yeah, don’t mention it.” They moved on and Dean continued to steal glances at Cas. At first Cas had given him a confused look when he turned to catch Dean staring at him. But soon Dean would look up and see Cas staring at him intently and those moments made his heart thud painfully against his ribcage. So close, yet so far. They had each other, but not yet. They still had to get out of there. And between Benny and a parade of assholes trying to eat them alive, they hadn’t had any time to talk about… anything. Whatever there was to talk about. 

 

Fuck talking, they hadn’t had any more time for anything else either. A subtle caress and stolen kisses was all they were able to share since that one passionate kiss. He could still feel it on his lips. Often when he caught Cas staring at him, his focus was on Dean’s lips. Something in Dean warmed at the thought of Cas also reliving that moment. 

 

A twig snapped and all three of them turned their attention to their right. They stood still, paralyzed in silence as the creature watched them from maybe thirty feet away, somehow having snuck up on them. 

 

_ Oh, shit.  _ Dean thought as his grip tightened on his weapon. The creature breathed in heavily, its thin, pale green skin stretched over a visible ribcage. “Hey,” It yelled and both Benny and Cas turned to look at him in horror as the creature yelled at them in Dean’s voice. “Hey, come here.” It continued, and stretched a long fingered hand that ended in grotesque claws. 

 

“That knife ain’t gonna do nothin’ against creepy over there, partner...” Benny whispered out of the side of his mouth and Dean was too stunned to reply that he knew. He knew how hard it was to kill a Wendigo. “We need to run,” Benny continued and took a slow step back just as the Wendigo took a carefully calculated step towards them. 

 

“Yeah, let’s get out of here.” Dean took a trembling step back with Benny and his muscles tensed as he prepared to run. Cas, with no urgency or panic, walked right past him and up to the Wendigo that towered over him at twice his height. With both hands it grabbed Cas at his waist and lifted him up and without realizing it, Dean’s feet had already began moving in their direction, his throat burning painfully as he yelled for Cas. A bright light erupted from the area and Cas dropped down to the floor, the Wendigo crumpling next to him with long, contorted limbs. 

 

He dropped to his knees as soon as he reached them, his hands clutching at Cas in a panic. “Cas! You okay? Cas, talk to me!”

 

“I’m fine, Dean, I’m okay.” Cas waved Dean off, standing up and brushing leaves and dirt off of himself. 

 

“You sure? Cas, you scared me, man. Don’t do that again.”

 

Benny’s large hand fell on his shoulder and Dean immediately schooled his face into a more serious expression, one that didn't portray every fear he had in his heart that something could happen to Cas and he would lose him again. 

 

“I’m gonna have to agree with Dean here. That was mighty helpful, I’ll give you that… but you keep up with the party tricks and you're gonna get us an awful lot of attention that we really don't want.”

 

Cas turned to Benny with a serious expression, “I’m afraid I already have. Leviathan. A lot of them.”

 

Every muscle in Dean’s body tensed once more as he rushed back into panic mode. “Can you – ”

 

“No. We need to run this time. There’s too many of them and we won’t be able to take them.”

 

“Damnit,” Dean growled and Benny also swore under his breath as the Leviathan began to make themselves visible in the slowly setting darkness of the forest. 

 

Without a second thought, he grabbed Cas’s hand and propelled himself forward, both of them running at breakneck speed as they evaded the creatures. Benny’s heavy footsteps thudded behind them and Dean felt his legs and chest burn as the adrenaline allowed for another burst of speed, trying to put as much distance between them and the monsters. 

 

Black smoke slammed into the ground in front of them, bringing them to a violent halt. Two Leviathan rose from the darkness and Benny surged from behind them to decapitate one of them. The other grabbed him from behind and easily tossed him aside, taking the chance to advance on Cas and Dean. Dean swung his weapon heavily and missed, the blade whooshing into the empty air as the Leviathan swung forward, hitting him in the face. Another few streaks of black touched down and Dean got up quickly to decapitate a Leviathan that had Cas on the ground. 

 

“Dean!” Benny yanked him back as one of the Leviathan reared his head back in front of him, mouth open wide as it chomped down where he had been just a second ago. Another came up from behind and Dean swung his blade in the air. When it connected he heard Cas let out a terrifying wail, as if he was in pain. He immediately turned around to help, but another Leviathan caught him off guard and all the air escaped his lungs as he felt a heavy blow to his chest. Benny took care of the threat and Dean was able to take down another before they finally, with heaving breaths, could look around and make sure the coast was clear. 

 

“Cas?” He searched the area, but there was no sign of the angel. “Cas!” He called out more urgently. Bodies littered the ground, but none of them were him. He felt his heart drop heavily into a shallow pit of his stomach. No, he couldn’t be gone. Not again. Please, don’t let this happen again. His eyes scanned the ground again, the trees, the sky. At the top of his lungs he yelled again, “CAS!” And Benny grabbed him, dragging him away from the area before he could attract any more attention. 

  
His feet hit the ground as they ran, but the steps were far away, the crunching of twigs and branches just muffled snaps as if coming from a distance. Only one thing stayed on his mind. They had to find Cas. They  _ had to.  _


	12. Chapter 12

Excruciating pain was the first thing that hit Cas when he regained consciousness. He was tempted to use a few of Dean’s curse words as he tried to assess his situation. Slumped behind an accumulation of sharp, huge rocks he tried to sit up as he slowly remembered what had happened to him. As he tried to stand up, a sharp pain in his wings overwhelmed him and he nearly blacked out again, panting as he braced himself against the stones that dug painfully into his palms.

 

He had been dragged away by two Leviathan and he had fought them tooth and nail all the way as they chomped down at his arms, legs, and wings to keep him from fleeing. He had felt the air being knocked out of him as they were all struck by something massive. Sharp and dry scales had bruised his ribs as he was thrown back through the dead leaves on the ground, hitting his head on some rocks. 

 

A sickening sound of cracking bones kept him from losing his consciousness as he crawled backwards behind the rocks, out of line and out of sight. Pure, dumb luck had saved him in the shape of a monstrous Behemoth that devoured the trampled remains of the two Leviathan that had nearly killed him. 

 

Cas took in a few deep breaths to get the dizziness and pain under control, but it was a pointless endeavor. Injuries to his vessel were without painful consequences for him as long as he had his grace – but injuries of his true form were a completely different story. 

 

He could hear Dean in his head as the fog of pain slowly cleared from his mind. Dean was okay… and Cas felt relief hearing his concerned voice. The hunter was looking for him. 

 

Cas wondered how far the Leviathan had dragged him away from Dean and looked around to try to orientate himself.

 

_ Cas? Cas! _

 

Cas tried to spread his wings to fly to Dean and nearly blacked out again as he tried. He groaned and leaned against the rocks in front of him, trying to keep the nauseous feeling in his stomach under control.

 

_ Cas? Where the hell are you, man? _

 

Cas sighed and tried to orientate himself. He could make out the general direction where Dean was when he concentrated on his prayer. He was several miles away.

 

_ Come on, Cas. You better not have fucking died on me or I’ll be really pissed. _

 

Cas rolled his eyes and then squinted at the surrounding area. His whole body froze as he noticed how many Leviathan were nearby. He had to run.

 

_ Cas… I’m worried, okay? I hope this isn't your stupid radio silence again, I already told you we’d get you out of here. Just come back, please. I have to know if you’re okay.  _

 

Cas wished prayers worked both ways. He wanted nothing more than to reassure Dean that he was okay… well, kind of okay. Flying would be off limits for a while. He had to make a detour if he wanted to catch up with Dean again. The straight line would lead him directly into the path of more Leviathan and he wasn’t strong enough to fight them.

 

_ Cas please, I know you can hear me. If you’re still… Look, we didn't go through all of that trouble finding you for you to just die now. I know you can hear me. Give me a sign or something man, just let me know you’re okay. I’m worried sick here and I can’t… I can’t do this again. Thinking you’re dead. What’s the point of getting out of here if you’re not with me? _

 

“Dean…” Cas had to close his eyes for a second as Dean’s pure desperation hit him. He had planned to just play along, that he’d just accompany Dean to the portal to make sure Dean got home safely. His intention was always to stay in Purgatory. But now…

 

Cas didn’t know what to think anymore. He felt the selfish need to stay at Dean’s side, to go home with him. It was easy to justify in his mind. He could just tell himself he was doing it for Dean, that the hunter needed him. But deep in his heart he knew it was just an excuse. Sure, Dean would be sad if he were to lose Cas… He already felt all of the sadness and desperation in the hunter’s prayer, but he would get over the loss eventually. The uncertainty on the other hand, the fact that Dean didn’t know if Cas was still alive or not would prevent Dean from ever getting closure. Cas had to go back to Dean. He wanted to do this right. He also wanted a chance to say goodbye to the hunter, to spend at least a bit more time with him before...

 

His vision became blurry and Cas angrily rubbed the tears away. He crouched behind a cluster of rocks before quietly making his way through the sparse, dead forest. There weren’t enough places to hide and Cas felt exposed with every step. Most of his enemies he could detect from miles away, but for others he had to rely on his eyes. The Leviathan were still separating him from Dean. He realized he would have to take a huge detour to get back to the hunter. A detour that could take days. It wasn't easy to make out which direction Dean was going when he didn’t pray. Pinpointing someone’s position by their prayer was always easier while flying. So he had to guess and hope he chose the right direction as he headed north, hoping the forest and rocks would give him enough cover to avoid any fighting. 

 

It was almost dark as Cas slid behind a huge tree stump just in time to hide from a massive, rough scaled wyvern dashing through the undergrowth. Flames smoldered in a mouth full of sharp teeth as Cas held his breath, hoping the monster was equally unable to detect him. Dean’s sudden voice in his head nearly made him flinch. His body froze in his hideout as he listened to the rustling and growling of the wyvern while Dean prayed to him.

 

_ We’re looking for you again. I don’t know how far you’ve gone, but Benny knows I’m not doing anything else until I find you. The idea that you could be hurt somewhere… I can’t deal with that. I’m making you a promise Cas, as long as you’re alive I’m gonna be there for you. All the way. Just please be alive.  _

 

Cas tried to concentrate on Dean’s position, but the wyvern demanded his full attention. It was clearly searching for something now and Cas had to react fast if the monster were to find him. He doubted that he had the power left to smite this monstrosity, but he could try to run. 

 

Dean’s desperation nearly overwhelmed him and Cas tried to shut his emotions out. This was the worst time to get emotional.

 

_ Come on, Cas… why are you doing this? You know that I know you can hear me. If you’re alive and you’ve run off again… Damnit, Cas. That better not be the case. I already told you we’re in this together, but you’re so damn stubborn sometimes…. yeah, yeah, I know… I’m one to talk. I just… do you even feel the same way about me? I was so happy when we found you… and when I kissed you, everything felt right. Even here in this hell hole, I felt okay. It felt right. Do you still want that with me? Am I crazy? _

  
Cas squeezed his eyes shut. He wished he had told Dean how much this all meant to him, what he felt for the hunter, but his thought was cut short as the wyvern let out a sharp screech and rushed in his direction.


	13. Chapter 13

_ Do you want to know the worst thing about this, Cas? I let myself hope. For a second, I actually let my guard down like an idiot and let myself think that things were going to be alright. I had you, that’s all that mattered. We were going to go back home and things would be different. The life that I wanted… I thought I could have that… with you. I understand that the apple pie life isn’t going to happen. I’ve always lived as a hunter and I’m going to die like a hunter. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to have something real along the way. Something good. Like you. Now I’m probably going to die in this shit hole. And I thought Hell was bad. Shit, Hell was just a sauna… _

 

_ Benny doesn’t like you, you know. Sorry, I just think it’s funny. He knows you're the reason we’re not looking for the way out anymore. He knows I’m not going anywhere without you. I think he gave up trying to convince me.  _

 

_ You know what’s weird? I’ve prayed more in Purgatory than I ever have in my entire life. It’s the only connection I have with you. When I was a kid my mom used to tell me, “angels are watching over you.” I believed her for the longest time. It felt nice, knowing someone was out there watching me, protecting me… caring about me. I lost that at some point. I stopped believing in a lot of things. Mostly, I stopped believing that I even deserved that. You changed that, Cas. And I really wish that changed things. I know you can still hear me. I don’t care that it means that you're choosing to stay away anyway. I’m going to pray to you anyway. It’s all I’ve got left. _

 

_ I’m an idiot for thinking it would be so easy. That I could just find you and we’d get out of here. Since when has my life ever been easy? I just had these fantasies… yeah, sorry… couldn’t help it. I’ve thought about just you and me getting away. Hopping in the Impala and just going wherever the highway takes us. I’ve thought about you and me shacking up in a motel somewhere. Sorry, I can’t help where my mind goes… especially down here with nothing else to do but gank monsters and deal with a mopey vamp sidekick.  _

 

**…. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: …. :::: :::: ….**

 

Humans had this saying that, shortly before they died, they would see their whole life flash before their eyes, like a movie playing fast forward in their mind. 

 

Cas didn’t see anything like that when the wyvern spotted him, quickly dashing towards him through the dead leaves with flames dancing around its jaw. It was too late to run away. The only thing left on Cas’s mind was Dean, and how he regretted that he had never confessed his feelings to him. 

 

No. It couldn’t end like this. He had to somehow survive this. He had to see Dean again.

 

Cas threw himself to the side, evading the scaled beast, and its flames and teeth at the last second. Sharp teeth snatched at him as the monster turned around with a flailing spiked tail. Cas rolled to the side, evading the attack a second time. He grabbed a pointed, large stone and hit the wyvern right in one of its red, glistening eyes. The beast roared in pain and flinched a few feet away, hissing at Cas as it unfolded its dark leathery wings, preparing for another attack. A yellow substance drooled from the monster’s jaw and Cas just knew it was going to breathe fire at him. 

 

Cas turned around and ran as fast as he could. Behind him he could hear the monster roaring and charging after him. Its wings sounded like a whip snapping through the air. Cas sidestepped around trees and rocks as he heard a sizzling sound shortly before the beast started to breathe fire. It didn’t reach him, but he felt the burning heat at his back. Cas nearly stumbled over some rocks as he jumped to the side to avoid a gnarly oak. Seconds after that, the tree burst into flames. A steep cliff ended his escape abruptly as Cas came to a tight stop at the edge. Loose rocks slid from the cliffside several feet down until they landed in a deep, dark and massive lake.

 

Cas didn’t think twice. He made a running jump and hoped the lake under him was indeed as deep as it had seemed to be from above. The water hit him with an ice cold grasp as he sunk deeper into the blackness of the lake. For a moment he lost his orientation in the darkness and couldn’t find the direction to the surface. An overwhelming sense of danger paralyzed his ascent for a few seconds. He had to get out of the lake. What had seemed to be his only escape from the wyvern could turn out to be a much more perilous trap if he stayed in the murky waters. He really didn’t want to know what creature lived deep inside this lake, lurking on the ground for easy prey that stumbled within its reach. It felt ancient, like a Leviathan, and just as evil. 

 

With a few strong strokes, he swam to the surface, hastily looking for the shore. The closest access point back onto dry land was about twenty feet away and led into a thick forest. Cas swam as fast as he could to get out of the freezing water. 

 

He was lucky, whatever evil lived at the bottom of the lake hadn’t been interested in a confrontation with him. The dirty hospital attire clung wetly to his body and his trenchcoat hung heavily from his shoulders. He pulled it off and wrung it out, the freezing water splashing the dry leaves under him, leaving a murky puddle. Cas crinkled his nose as he slipped his arm back into the sleeve. It felt disgusting. 

 

He folded the wet trenchcoat over his arm and made his way into the thick forest, taking the direction where he last had felt Dean’s presence. Thankfully he didn’t need to wait long to get a confirmation on the hunter’s whereabouts. He could feel Dean starting to pray to him. There was a hint of hopelessness in his voice, that felt like a painful punch to his heart.

 

_ Do you want to know the worst thing about this, Cas? I let myself hope. For a second, I actually let my guard down like an idiot and let myself think that things were going to be alright. I had you, that’s all that mattered. We were going to go back home and things would be different. The life that I wanted…. I thought I could have that… with you.  _

 

Cas sat down on root and closed his eyes. Was Dean giving up on him? He wouldn’t blame him if he did. Dean knew that Cas had stayed away from him, it was only logical that he would assume the same now. 

 

_ I understand that the apple pie life isn’t going to happen. I’ve always lived as a hunter and I’m going to die like a hunter. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to have something real along the way. Something good. Like you.  _

 

Cas’s heart skipped a beat. Dean thought they could have a future together. Cas knew it was selfish to be happy about that. He had never dared to imagine to have something just for himself, someone who would made him happy. Those were human wishes, he knew that. Angels weren’t meant to have or even to wish for those things. But he was a bad example of an angel. He had spent so much time with humans that he had forgotten about his life as an angel… and he wasn’t even sad about it. 

 

Not that these new found feelings wouldn’t have a serious downside. Being separated from Dean engulfed him in a powerful wave of loss and pain. The thought alone came with a rush of reality, the fact that he felt like he would lose himself, ceasing to exist; and he didn't even care. Life without Dean was meaningless and he knew he would have to choose at some point. Would he be selfish and go with Dean; or would he betray him one last time and remain in Purgatory? A last act of desperation by a broken angel.. 

 

_ Now I’m probably going to die in this shit hole. And I thought Hell was bad. Shit, Hell was just a sauna… _

 

Cas abruptly stood up as he suddenly understood that this wasn’t just about him, about his decision. The moment they shared their first kiss he had committed himself to Dean in a totally different way. They had become a unit and if he separated himself again, he would also doom the life of his hunter. 

  
Dean willingly accepted his fate to stay and die in Purgatory if he wouldn’t find Cas again. Like Cas, the hunter just couldn’t find a motivation to live anymore without him.

 

He had to find him. Now more than ever.

 

After an hour of stumbling through acanthaceous briars, Cas leaned against a broken tree to catch his breath. It felt like something in these woods was draining his energy, or maybe it was just his grace being occupied with healing his wings. Usually these wounds took time to heal and he never felt very powerful during those times. But since everything in Purgatory was out to hunt and kill him – even shrubbery – it wasn’t a bad idea to stay cautious. 

 

He unexpectedly felt amusement from Dean and used this emotion to pinpoint his direction. He was coming closer, but Dean was still a few hours away from him.

 

_ Benny doesn’t like you, you know. Sorry, I just think it’s funny. He knows you're the reason we’re not looking for the way out anymore. He knows I’m not going anywhere without you. I think he gave up trying to convince me.  _

 

Cas sighed in relief and allowed himself to smile at Dean’s words. Dean wasn’t giving up on him. He was still looking and he couldn’t wait to find him again. To explain to him that he wasn’t staying away on purpose. That… Yes – he wanted to stay by Dean’s side. He wanted to be with him.

 

Cas knew he had made a choice then. He had chosen to be selfish and he didn’t care that he was. He had betrayed and lied to Dean, he had killed innocent humans, but of all people; Dean, a hunter that had sworn to protect humans from monsters like him, had chosen to forgive him... 

 

So, it didn’t matter anymore that Cas didn’t forgive himself, because he would find another way to redeem himself somehow, when he would follow Dean back to Earth… 

 

If he could follow him.

 

The new found motivation clearly became dampened with this thought. What if he couldn’t go through this portal? All of his decisions and thoughts would be pointless. 

 

Cas sat down again, watching the dry leaves as they moved in the cold wind. For a moment he wasn’t sure what to do, what to think or to feel. Everything felt numb.

 

He didn’t know how long he had sat there, lost in nothingness and silence. Dean’s prayer pulled him out of this state and with horror Cas suddenly understood what had happened to him. The brambles had started to overgrow his body, feasting on his energy and emotions like a vampire on blood. The thorns had dug through his trousers and thin lines of blood had painted a bizarre, red pattern on the white fabric. Cas tore the plant off of him, gasping in pain as he noticed the thorn’s barbs.

 

Dean’s words followed him as he ran through the forest in his direction, hoping the hunter’s prayer would be long enough to guide him through this spiked trap.

 

_ You know what’s weird? I’ve prayed more in purgatory than I ever have in my entire life. It’s the only connection I have with you. When I was a kid my mom used to tell me, “angels are watching over you.” I believed her for the longest time. It felt nice, knowing someone was out there watching me, protecting me… caring about me. I lost that at some point. I stopped believing in a lot of things. Mostly, I stopped believing that I even deserved that. You changed that, Cas. And I really wish that changed things. I know you can still hear me. I don’t care that it means that you're choosing to stay away anyway. I’m going to pray to you anyway. It’s all I’ve got left. _

 

“Please believe in me, Dean. I’m coming back to you,” Cas mumbled as he wished with all of his heart that Dean could somehow hear him. He knew it was a ridiculous wish. It didn’t work that way. But desperation gave birth to hopes and wishes, and Cas just couldn’t stop. 

 

Like he would never stop believing in Dean. 

 

Cas ran as fast as he could, until he finally found a clearing and the river that had once been his safe haven, the place where Dean had found him again. Cas stopped at the riverside and kneeled down on the gravel. The water was cold in his hands, but not like the deathly cold of the murky lake, more refreshing and lively. He washed his face before he looked around, trying to assess his situation, but got distracted as he heard Dean’s prayer again.

 

_ I’m an idiot for thinking it would be so easy. That I could just find you and we’d get out of here. Since when has my life ever been easy? I just had these fantasies… yeah, sorry… couldn’t help it. I’ve thought about just you and me getting away. Hopping in the Impala and just going wherever the highway takes us. I’ve thought about you and me shacking up in a motel somewhere. Sorry, I can’t help where my mind goes… especially down here with nothing else to do but gank monsters and deal with a mopey vamp sidekick.  _

 

Cas felt his heart pounding quickly with Dean’s words. He carried a smile on his lips from the way Dean had talked about his fantasies. Even though the situation they were in felt hopeless, with a low chance of surviving and returning back to Earth together, Cas felt happy. He knew he wanted all of this with Dean and to know that Dean wanted it too was just… Heaven. Heaven on Earth. If Cas hadn’t been so tired, he would have laughed about the irony.

 

The light was fading slowly and he knew that night was on its brink. He had hoped he would catch up with Dean by now. 

 

On his knees Cas looked up at the grey sky, “Dean, I wish you could hear me. I will find you. I will do anything in my power to get back to you – so we can have all of this.”

  
That was the moment when Cas heard Dean’s voice again, shouting his name. And this time, Cas’s prayer was answered.


	14. Chapter 14

Dean couldn’t believe his eyes. Cas was kneeling at the river looking up at the sky, mumbling something that looked like a prayer, “Cas!” 

 

The angel turned his head and looked at him with a shocked and surprised expression before his lips turned into a smile, a rough laugh, that made every last piece of doubt that Dean had carried in his heart melt away. Cas hadn’t left him on purpose. 

 

Cas stood up and ran to Dean, pulling him in his arms roughly, like Dean had done when he had found him again for the first time. “Dean,” His angel gasped, relief in his voice as he buried his face against the hunter’s throat.

 

“Fuck, Cas! What happened? Are you okay?” Dean pulled back to look over his angel, taking in his dirty, ruined clothes, the blood stains and scratches that littered Cas’s body.

 

“I injured my wings. I couldn’t fly to you,” Cas’s voice sounded way too tired for Dean’s liking, but it didn’t matter in that moment. He had found Cas and his friend hadn’t given up on them. He had tried to find his way back to Dean. 

 

To say Dean felt relieved was the understatement of the century.

 

“It was the first time you answered my prayer, Dean,” Cas smiled warmly, leaving Dean confused. 

 

“What?”

 

“Since we’ve been here your prayers have been my guideline, my anchor. My way to come back to you. Before you found me, it was the first time I prayed for myself. That everything you said to me, everything you want, would come true. That you would find me and we could have all that. And you did. You found me,” Cas’s expression was almost serene. 

 

They were standing in Purgatory, bloody and tired, and Cas smiled at him, filling Dean’s heart with hope and happiness. How he deserved Cas was still a mystery to him. He reached out for him, stroking over Cas’s scratchy beard.

 

“You are something else, Cas,” Dean couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight of his confused angel. 

 

“Hate to break up the tearful reunion, pal, but we gotta go,” Benny said, squinting at the horizon.

 

Cas turned around to look in the same direction as Benny. He nodded, “He’s right. We should leave this place.”

 

“Okay, since you can’t fly, no scouting ahead for you. I don’t wanna lose you again,” Dean said roughly.

 

He was surprised when Benny turned around with a nod, “Yeah, I second that. It’s a pain in the ass lookin’ for you.”

 

“I’ll try my best,” Cas stated dryly.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

It was a long way to the portal. Not only did they have to fight monsters and run from Leviathan, they also had to battle with the strenuous environment. Crossing a field of fire and geysers had been the most challenging thing so far. 

 

It was hard to breathe. The air reeked of sulfur and they had to watch their steps so they wouldn’t get roasted in a burst of flames and lava.

 

They took a short break on a group of rocks when they had made it across. Dean rubbed the dirt and sweat from his face with the sleeve of his jacket. Not that it helped much. His jacket was dirty, too.

 

The first thing he would do when they were top side again was take a fucking long shower.

 

His gaze fell on Cas who rubbed his shoulders as if they were hurting him, “You okay? Your wings will get better, right?”

 

“I don’t know, Dean. This has never happened to me before.”

 

“I’m sure they’ll be fine once we’re outside,” Dean tried to make his voice sound as reassuring as possible. Not only for the angel’s sake, but also for himself. There was still this insecurity hanging over their heads, like a sword of damocles. They both were afraid the portal wouldn’t work for Castiel.

 

“We’re taking a big ass long vacation once we’re outside. First thing, Cas.” 

 

Cas gave him a sad smile, probably knowing Dean’s worry in that moment, “I’d like that.”

 

Dean pulled Cas close to him in a sideway hug, kissing his temple, “You’ll get through it. I’m sure of it.”

 

“What makes you so sure?” Cas asked, not looking at him.

 

Dean lifted Cas’s chin and grinned at his friend, “‘Cause you’re a hard ass. You survived a lot worse and fuck... we’ve earned our happy ending.”

 

It was nice to see Cas grin back at him, even though it was short-lived. Dean scratched through Cas’s beard, his grin growing even wider before he leaned over for a quick kiss, “Okay, as much as you rock this look, this beard has to go when we’re topside.”

 

Cas chuckled lowly, “That can be arranged.”

 

“Hey, lovebirds, we have to go!” Benny interrupted their moment. 

 

Cas looked up with a frown, his gaze somewhere in the distance before he nodded grimly, “They’re closing in on us. Leviathan.”

 

Benny nodded, “The closer we get to the portal. Something tells me they don’t want ya’ to leave.”

 

Dean grabbed his weapon, “They will have to live with that disappointment. Let’s go.”

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Dean watched a dry leaf dancing through the air by a strange gravitational pull. His gaze followed its trail up a steep hill, finally seeing what they had been looking for, for what felt like ages. 

 

The portal.

 

“What the hell?” Dean mumbled.

 

“There it is. It’s reacting to you,” Cas explained with a solemn voice.

 

Dean gave him a stern look, “You’ll make it through. I know it.” He didn’t wait for Cas’s reaction, but turned to Benny with a nod, “Just like we talked about.”  

 

Benny nodded and Dean cut his left forearm with his knife.

 

“Putting a lot of trust in you, brother,” Benny drawled, unable to hide his nervousness.

 

“You earned it.” Dean grinned reassuringly before he made the same cut into Benny’s left forearm and gripped it so their wounds were connected.

 

“I'll see you on the other side,” Benny grinned back.

 

Dean recited a few latin words as he felt Benny stiffen next to him. A red light surrounded the vampire and consumed his essence as it turned into a stream of light that vanished into Dean’s arm. It burned like hell, but at least it worked.

 

Dean looked up, his eyes falling on concerned blue eyes, “Let's go.”

 

They hurried along the top of a cliff and upwards through the forest, the portal already within sight when Cas suddenly stopped, “Dean, wait.”

 

In a cloud of black smoke and goo, two Leviathan landed directly in front of them. 

 

Dean attacked one with his blade, but the Leviathan ducked away from him before he kicked the hunter in his stomach, so hard that Dean rolled down the hill again. He didn’t feel the pain though, all of his thoughts were on Cas now, alone on the cliff with those monsters. He needed to get back to him. They needed to get out. Together.

 

His footing on the loose rocks was slippery and he almost fell down a few times as he climbed up the hill in a rush. He could see his angel on his knees, getting punched and kicked by the Leviathan. They were going to kill him. 

 

One of the Leviathan dragged Castiel to his feet when his friend punched that one so hard, the Leviathan reeled backwards and fell to the ground. The other Leviathan grabbed Castiel and Dean could see how his mouth transformed, ready to bite as he finally swung his blade, cutting the head of that monster clean off. Cas pushed the second Leviathan forward and Dean cut it down the same way. 

 

Fuck. That had been too close. His gaze fell on Castiel who knelt, panting on the ground. He walked to him and pulled him to his feet. “We have to go.”

 

He felt the pull of the portal. It wanted him to leave as much as he wanted.

 

“Dean, If I don’t make it…”

 

Dean shook his head, “There is nothing you can say that I don’t already know, Cas. So can the hall mark. We’re leaving.”

 

Cas suddenly pulled Dean back in his arms and kissed him. When he met Dean’s questioning look his friend gave him an almost shrug, “For luck?”

 

Dean chuckled, “Come on. We’ve stayed here long enough. Time to go home.”

 

The hunter took a deep breath, repeating a mantra in his head over and over and over. 

 

_ We will make it. _

 

Before they entered the portal hand in hand.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

It was night. He didn’t feel Cas at his side. 

 

For a moment Dean froze in shock.

 

“Cas? Cas!” Dean turned around, seeing the angel lying on the forest floor behind him. For a short moment his heart stilled, before Cas groaned and propped himself up on the ground with unbelieving, but very alive eyes.

 

Dean fell into his arms pulling him close, laughing as the weight of everything fell from his chest.

  
They were home. They had fucking made it.


	15. Chapter 15

_ Wherever the highway takes us. _

 

Cas had never thought that he would see Earth again. The bright, fresh colors of the trees flashing by them as they drove down the highway, the warm sunrays bathing him in light and comfort through the windshield of the Impala – it felt... peaceful.

 

Dean was tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of some rock music, a smile speaking of contentment and happiness playing around his lips.

 

Although Cas felt incredibly happy in this moment, his heart ached seeing Dean like that. Cas couldn’t explain why, but both feelings didn’t seem to contradict themselves. Maybe it was the faint memory of what they had been through, the feeling of longing when he and Dean had been separated – the same feeling he got every time he watched the clouds in the sky.

 

It didn’t matter though. They were here now. They had made it.

 

The first few days out of Purgatory had been rough. They hadn’t found any time to talk or to be alone for a while. First they had to go to Louisiana to get Benny back and after that they had meet up with Sam, only to find out that he hadn’t even been trying to look for Dean. Dean was hurt about that for a few days, but eventually he got passed it. 

 

Cas had been patient with Dean the entire time. He knew the hunter would need time to come back into his life, or to “find his sea legs again” as Dean called it.

 

But after two weeks he suddenly had grabbed his keys and announced to Sam that Cas and him were going on a road trip.

 

Dean had just shrugged and tried to be vague, telling Sam that Cas and him needed to sort some things out between them. It didn’t matter anyway, because Dean had been determined to leave and Sam eventually had accepted that they needed to spend some time apart. Cas wondered if Dean, maybe, hadn’t been honest and still felt a bit of resentment toward his brother for not looking for him.

 

They hadn’t spoken a single word since they were back on the road, but if nothing else, Cas was patient. He knew Dean needed time to work through things and he wanted to give him that time. He wasn’t concerned that Dean wouldn’t want him anymore, that he had changed his mind about them just because Dean hadn’t kissed him since Purgatory.

 

Dean was giving him shy glances and smiles while he was singing along to the music on the radio. Cas felt his love and that was all he needed when he answered his smile with one of his own.

 

They stopped at a lake in the middle of nowhere, no soul was near them for miles. Cas followed Dean out of the car, leaning against the Impala’s fender when Dean hopped onto the hood, opening a can of beer.

 

“So, here we are…” Dean said after a while, watching the sun set behind the lake.

 

Cas turned around to face Dean, meeting the hunter’s smile, a mischievous glint in the corner of his eyes. “That we are.”

 

Dean’s gaze wandered over Cas’s body, a thoughtful expression before he licked over his lips and stretched out his hand for Cas to take. Cas intertwined their fingers, letting himself get pulled closer. Dean’s voice was low and rough, “You still want this… us… right?”

 

“Of course,” Cas touched Dean’s shoulder, letting his hand trail up to Dean’s face. 

 

“Good… good,” His friend sighed, before he cupped Cas’s face and pulled him into a deep kiss.

 

**…. :::: :::: …..**

 

It still felt surreal sometimes, like wading through a dream where the colors were just a bit too bright and you feel too happy for it to be real. It was Dean’s excuse to stare at Cas, to take in his deep blue eyes, the brownish dark hair, that shimmered in gold and red patches where the last sun rays of the day illuminated it.

 

Dean kissed a trail down Cas’s bare chest, enjoying the surprised gasps falling from Cas’s pink, kiss swollen lips when he teased his nipples with his tongue and teeth. He inhaled Cas’s scent deeply, a mixture of cedarwood and the leather of the Impala as he continued the trail of kisses down his body. Dean smiled when the muscles of Cas’s stomach tensed when he dipped his tongue into his naval. It was strangely endearing that his friend seemed to be ticklish.

 

He looked up at Cas, finding his friend panting, eyes hooded. He looked beautiful sprawled out naked on the backseat of Baby, a sight  – Dean knew he would never get enough of.

 

Dean watched Cas, pressing his eyes shut in pleasure when Dean let his fingertips ghost over the sensitive skin of Cas’s inner thigh, his groin and finally his erection. He was rewarded with a deep moan and Cas’s murmuring of Dean’s name, like he was lost in the pleasure the hunter was giving him.

 

He smiled with the knowledge that this was just the beginning and that he was the one showing Cas how good he could make him feel. 

 

He took his time preparing Cas, alternating between soft kisses on Cas’s knees and caressing his friend’s erection with teasing touches. Cas was writhing under him, moaning, since the moment Dean had started massaging his prostate. Cas braced his palms against the Impala’s door, trying to find anything to hold onto.

 

Dean slowly removed his fingers and lubed up his cock before he lowered himself over Cas and kissed him deeply. He wanted Cas to hold onto him, to be his lifeline that would keep him from drowning. He leaned his forehead against Cas’s, feeling his friend’s shuddered breath against his lips, “Put your arms around me and look at me, Cas.”

 

Dean leaned back, getting lost in the blue depths of Cas’s eyes, a gasp escaping his throat when he felt Cas wrapping his arms around him, holding him tight. It felt so intimate, something he had never felt before. 

 

Dean pushed in slowly, watching Cas’s gasping as he carded his fingers through his hair with a soothing motion. He gave Cas time to get used to him, nipping at his upper lip, “You okay?”

 

“Yes… I didn’t know… it, “ Cas gasped when Dean started to rock into him at a slow pace, “...would feel so good.”

 

Dean gave him a warm smile before he kissed him deeply, still amazed that just kissing him, feeling his tongue slide against Cas’s, was setting off fireworks in his stomach, letting sparks of pleasure course throughout his body. 

 

He knew he was hitting the right angle when Cas started to moan uncontrollably, writhing under him, coating Dean’s and his stomach with precum. Dean knew they both wouldn’t last long, but he comforted himself with the thought that they could do this again and again, as often as they wanted to.

 

He could feel Cas’s grip on him getting tighter, his moans changing into pleas, “Dean, please… Dean.”

 

Dean kissed him again, his own words interrupted by heavy gasps and groans, “I’ve got you, Cas. Just let go.”

 

Cas cried out, his fingers probably leaving a handprint on his shoulder where he had gripped him, as his orgasm hit. Dean followed right after, moaning when he came deep inside of Cas. 

 

They stared at each other as they tried to get their breathing under control, with a mixture of happiness and surprise. Dean thought it was mostly surprise because he still couldn’t believe that after everything, they had found each other.

 

Instead of telling Cas what he felt, he kissed him deeply, praying the words that filled his heart, mind, and soul. 

 

When Cas gave him a happy smile and whispered, “Me too.” Dean knew that all of his prayers were finally answered.

  
**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very big on writing notes, but I wanted to thank Frankie (aka mugglerock) for beta reading this so quickly. Also a million thanks to drunk_idjit for writing all of Dean's prayers and some of Dean's POV. And last but not least A HUGE THANK YOU to G33kDiva, Awesomelypathetic, tfw_cas and Azura Night for all your lovely comments and a BIG FLUFFY DESTIEL HUG for everyone who left kudos. Thank you for reading :D


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